Looking forward

With every accomplishment I make, a lust for more becomes insatiable. Last night I threw a party for one of my accomplishments and as happy as I was I felt more desire to accomplish way more. Whats next, where am I going. The things Ive discussed I no longer want, and the things I do I have no idea how to attain them. One because they seem more unlikely then the things that I don’t want.As I try to discover whats next for myself I know the things I don’t t want. Thats what life is I suppose. Discovery. 

But is there more then just discovery? Is there more then the future? Yes. For me living in the future has caused me to be so anxious about whats coming that in the present I feel depressed and unable to focus on where I am. How about you? Do you find yourself focused on the future? 

When I was practicing my 4 strengths and gratitude for the week I found myself at peace, not full of anxiety about everything else. So what did I learn, that in order for us to feel more happiness and fulfillment we must be present with ourselves while actively pursuing things that empower us to be 100% us. For me my strengths were kindness, creativity, love of learning and curiosity. When I become immersed in the uncertainty of the future those strengths get swept under the rug.  

So for you what are your top strengths? Dont know? Check it out here https://www.viacharacter.org/character-strengths and then start practicing using them everyday. Find ways to build them in what you do. 

What changed for me then today that helped me snap out of my overwhelming future anxiety? I felt it building in my stomach for a while now, this feeling that left everyday feeling drained. I would not feel satiated after anything and it reached its peak late in the day today. I decided to go and take a bath and meditate. During my meditation I kept soaring into the future, so focused on what if, what will be, how can I attain it. Tears filled the tub because during that I felt the true weight of things. Why am I always focused on the future, and it hit me. Last night I had my first party to celebrate a huge accomplishment and I couldn’t fully feel it or enjoy what I had done. Because all I wanted was for my family to be there. Loving me, cheering me on, and for once making me feel like I belong. I think if I can accomplish enough they can see me and finally love me the way I want them too. Without their drama and judgements or backstabbing ways. Without them taking things I say wrong or blaming me for everything. Without all the damn bullshit. 

So if you see me wanting to achieve more and never feeling satisfied its only because the hole that was put there by the ones who were suppose to love me no matter what is trying to be filled with achievements. With whatever. Tonight I got to see what it was that brought me down. My own chains, my desperate attempts for a future full of love and happiness and family.  

If you are looking ahead find out why? What are you avoiding right now? For me I was avoiding accepting my family and how they are. That I would never get what I wanted from them. No matter how much I accomplish in this life. What are you looking past? Do you even know? Find a place where you can meditate, like me and the bath and then feel everything. There is no wrong way. Sometimes we need to see how what we desire is effected by something we lack now in order to change how our world is. 

Today was a 4.