Honesty

What does it mean to be honest? To tell the truth of course. So many people lie everyday, not just little white lies but huge ones as well. The biggest lie though is to yourself. We walk around like zombies afraid to get real and honest with ourselves and go to war. We want to change so many things but instead of telling yourself the truth we run and hide behind the comfort and safety of the lies.

For me there are so many things I want to say to so many people. I am no longer silencing myself, but I wanted to get down to why I haven’t said these things. Instead of wallowing or complaining about the unfairness of life I stepped into the ring and decided to go toe to toe with myself. Why do you feel this way about this? Why does this make me feel this way? What arises in me that would cause me to feel this way? Instead of lying to myself about a situation, I confront it. Instead of hiding behind my own ego I shine a light on it and allow it to be diffused. The truth is the one thing that can set you free above everything. I thought I was someone who lived in the truth and was honest, and the thing is I was with others about my mistakes. But when confronted with other people I didn’t speak my truth. It was locked deep inside like a treasure vault and instead I threw myself in like oh it was me the entire time. Everything was my fault. I’ve taken the blame for inadequate friends, family members and people I haven’t met, why? Because I believed everything was always my fault. I was blamed so much for things with my own family which made believe that their lives would of been better had me and my siblings not been such a burden. I’m not saying this to gain sympathy, I just speak the truth of things. I was always afraid of losing someone because of a disagreement, or them crossing my boundaries. But not once did I ask myself why am I blaming myself for other’s actions, especially towards me. I didn’t fathom that possibility until I started speaking honestly with myself.

Dissecting your mistakes, your flaws, your imperfections will only allow you to be honest with them. Most times we want to put a filter on our life and fill it with perfect prettiness instead of getting down to that ugly truth. If I didn’t start asking myself why, then I wouldn’t of began the discussion to unveil my truth. I asked myself all sorts of questions and my usual defensiveness wanted to kick in right away but instead I sat with the question. I got silent and allowed it to ruminate in my mouth like when you go wine tasting. I tasted the question and allowed its notes and overtones to flush my cheeks with all sorts of answers. But it wasn’t until I drank the answers in that they went straight to my head and left me in a dizzying haze. Are these answers honest? Or are they my ego trying to stay comfortable? Trying to be the perfect person? Is this the truth? And once I answered it thats when I decided if I didn’t want that to be my reality anymore.

I hope during this quarantine you are getting honest with yourself. I hope that you are making progress on you and that you are discovering things you like and don’t like. Changing the things you don’t and loving the things you do. I hope you take this time as an opportunity to look inward instead of allowing the lack of control to cause you to spiral into a depression like it did with me in the beginning. I hope you ask yourself all the things you don’t want to face. I hope you are doing the shit you don’t want to do because that is what provides growth. Allowing yourself to be at war and fight yourself for your soul,that is how you win peace.