End point

What does it take for you to reach your end point? The point your tired of the shit. The point where you just can’t take one more day of living in an existence that is crushing your being? What has to snap or fall in to place or just click? The answer is you have to finally feel it because you already made the decision. You just have to look where you started and look where you are now. You went through all that stuff and now you can finally see how it doesn’t fall in line with what your being. Your end point has already been reached and now you are processing it. Finding the worth in yourself to start the new journey and chapter. 

I look at where I once was. In a dark room that was cold and unfeeling, surrounding myself in a cocoon of my own inner darkness. I spent the past few years in it, surrendering to it, beating it, hating it, loving it, wanting to break it, take time from it. All the while wondering when things would change because I was beyond tired of how they were. Those years I will forever be grateful for because those were the turning point for me. I had already made the decision to change it just had taken me a while to process it. To process my feelings, my past, my choices, my life. The shift finally came during quarantine. The final bout of just overwhelming darkness and the worst depression of my life was the final straw that ended the old life I led to finally snap. I grew in the pain and now I have decided it’s time to move forward. I’m done waiting, holding out for something to come to me by way of chance, or piggybacking on someone else’s vision. I am done needing a safety net and am eager to jump in the deep end. I am ready to begin my new chapter and give up trying to fit the square peg in a round hole. I belong in my new space with life and living energy and I am so excited for it. Lot’s of plants, windows thats light and bright. It’s coming and I can’t wait until it is here. 

That is why I ask you where is your end point? Because the moment you realize it, the moment that you have already made the decision to change your circumstances is the day you value your worth and self. It’s the part after you reach the end point that takes forever.Going through the process is what gives you strength to change, it gives you the understanding that you are more than your circumstances. You’ve reached your point now you just have to grieve the death of the old self, the old ego, the old reality. Once you finally gain acceptance from it you will truly be able to live in the life you imagined. 

The steps of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Those were my stages of the past few years letting go of the old self, those old stories. It wasn’t until the past week that I finally gained acceptance and gratitude for what was. Life is always moving through cycles to teach lessons. Until we learn the lesson we will never get out of the cycle. We don’t ever reach a happily ever after, a finale, life is ever changing and constantly evolving. Either you stay stuck in the cycles, (denial) or you grieve it, thank it for what it’s done, forgive the pain of it and move forward. Where do you want to be? 

Today was a 8.