Abandoning Abandonment
Yesterday I missed writing. My day was filled to the brim with work and activities that by the end of the night I just went to sleep. But here’s the thing, today I got up made breakfast and jumped right back into the saddle. Perhaps in the past I may have allowed that to discourage me but not anymore. There is something said to allow one missed day to derail all your progress, and that is you abandon yourself.
For so long that is what I did. When it came to feelings, relationships, anything really I would abandon myself. I would allow relationships that were beneath me, and friendships that were half assed. I spent a good portion of not standing up for myself when it came to any type of conflict, and would always take the entire blame. It was lunacy. Have you ever done that? Where you would shut down in a conflict? What I have learned from this is that by doing that you abandon yourself in that moment. You allow everything to be one sided. It’s like you tell yourself you have to give up something in order to appease another for acceptance or whatever your reason.
“When you fear the abandonment by another, the probability of you abandoning yourself goes up.”-Vienna Pharaon. I read that from this therapist yesterday along with her whole speech on it and it was moving. It was like hearing the truth and realizing holy shit looking at all my past I could see that I completely did this. I had boggled so many things myself because I gave up pieces of me instead of embracing all of me. My mistakes, my choices, my actions, I now embrace them 100% along with who I am. I don’t have to hide anymore because the pain I feel abandoning myself is way worst then what others can ever do.
It’s crazy coming back from this isolation. I had hit rock bottom numerous times, but every time brought me some kind of change. Like I would hit a bottom about one thing I saw about myself that I hated, go through the emotions of it, and now those feelings I had about it no longer hold me down. I was able to let them go. Through every ounce of darkness I came out stronger and braver then ever. I stood up to my sister, my dad, friends. And not from a place of anger or meanness, it was from a place of love. I wanted to build better relationships so I needed to speak my peace and be done with it.
Every time you stand up for yourself you empower who you really are. You take back your power and it’s this strange confidence. For me it feels like I am committing to myself everyday and changing all those negative half empty feelings and filling my cup with courage and honesty and joy. And if someone thinks its selfish then that is a reflection of them. You have to do what is going to give you peace and help you to truly own who you are. Otherwise you fill your body with old resentments and negativity. Speaking out for you, doing for you is how you are able to take care of you.
It’s hard to take responsibility for your actions and feelings, but when you do then you can resolve old traumas and pains. I have walked through the insanity of life and come out more sane then ever. I get to be authentically me now and I am so unbelievably proud of that.
Have you ever felt like you have to trade in something in order to attach? Or to be chosen? Or loved? How many times have you surrendered a piece of yourself so that you could fit in or belong? If you have done this what could you do right now to take back that part of you? Sometimes what is “meant” for us doesn’t last forever, but is given to us now to learn something. When you give away to gain something from others that is when you become closed. You lose the opportunity to overcome that old trauma bond, and instead re-enact it by surrendering yourself to it.
Yesterday I was at a 10. It was amazing
Today I started at a 9 but am going to get that 10 by the end of the day!! GET IT BABY!!