Stand Proud
Everyday during this quarantine I have found myself on a journey of exploration and navigation into myself. For a while I use to think this solitude was the death of me and it was. That old person, those stagnant beliefs, that indirect person has died. And who I am left with is someone on the verge of discovery.
Being alone all day I was jealous of others, seeing them with their families or friends, but now I think that if I were to be in those situations I doubt I would be here. Don’t take that as me doing stupid shit, it just means that I have overcome some serious hurdles and patterns because I was face to face with myself.
I confronted people from a place of vulnerability, learned boundaries, and even realized how I give my energy away to those undeserving of it. All this time I looked at myself in negative perspectives and had a dark cloud following me (the cloud has been there for 2 years and it left the other day :)) I’ve doubted my very existence and for what? Because I looked outside of myself for validation. I looked to others for support and guidance and made things about how others view me. Instead of making it about me I asked for others to validate my pain, my struggle, my heartache. I always felt shame in making things about me and my struggle but it is about me. Just like its about you. Sure we help and uplift others and hold hands and blah blah blah. Im going to get real right now, but my world, my feelings, my experiences are about me. And during this time I belittled them until now. I talked about the shitty family stuff, and how I don’t feel like I have accomplished anything but damnit I have.
For the first time in a while I look at myself and I see how fucking great my life is. I have things that many others dream of and I down play it. I allowed my achievements to be my reason, and for what? It didn’t validate me, it didn’t prove anyone wrong, it didn’t make people actually care. Honoring myself and giving props to myself for never giving up, for always pushing for more, and being proud of what I have done is what I am going to live in. I am proud that I took the leap to open up my own practice 5 1/2 years ago, I am proud I moved when it no longer served me. I am proud I quit my other jobs 2 years ago because I was done pussyfooting around. I am proud that I have an amazing apartment with a gorgeous view in an exotic location. I am proud of my relationship with my partner. I am proud that I trust my intuition and self. I am proud of the friends I have and the deep bonds we possess. I am proud of my progress.
I went from being a scared kid, so socially awkward I was scared to speak to now being charismatic and commanding attention when I enter a room. I am proud of my presence and my intoxicating nature and am going to develop this shit out of this over the next year (and I mean forever) but really play into it this year!! I am no longer that poor girl growing up in a trailer on a mountain, scared of her shadow. I am Hope Fucking Ackerly, Goddess, boss bitch, Athlete, and LIONESS! Hear my roar because one day you’ll see me in the spotlight and you’ll be like oh I knew her! Because I am going places in this world now that I am beginning to see who I am and the greatness inside me. So fucking stand back and watch me fucking stalk the savannah and hunt my prey and eat its flipping carcass. ( the prey is fears and doubts) Because I am not settling for shit no more!!
Is there something you are in denial about? Are you truly in avoidance with yourself? Do you struggle to see your own greatness or magical presence? Ask yourself what comes up for you? And if that doesn’t work seek help. Sometimes we need help to change the things we don’t know how to. To get personal I just started speaking with someone and made goals for what I want to achieve with it. There is no shame in doing that, if anything it will help you faster then trying to figure it out yourself or by reading a book. In doing so you learn tools that can work past the old and take baby steps into the new. So ask yourself do I want to dig into myself and work on things? And if so do I need guidance along the way?
Today I was at a 7. I got my barbell and did my first workout in so long. PS: Patience with yourself in this Hope, I know you want to go ham and be a fucking crazy athlete but your lungs are healing still, your low back is healing. Don’t get angry when you feel weak, you’re still a warrior anyways. (Plus you lost 5 lbs so far, be proud :)