Teachings of COVID-19
What has this quarantine taught you? I feel like it was a huge restart for me. Looking back on the beginning of this the weight was heavy and the depression real. But now I feel changed and new. Like I am completely different then I was. It taught me the test of self love, and acceptance. It also allowed me to see that my worth is more then what I have given away in the past.
In the beginning of this I felt alone in the world. I was at the start of this great internal war that was about to wage hard. Being home alone all day truly allowed me to get into things with myself. It was like everything I have been battling and working through these past 3 years all arose at once. Everything came up, every fear, every insecurity. I was a mess of emotions and slowly unraveling. I felt jealousy, anger, rage, and loathing. Emotions I always shunned myself because they are considered “bad.” But in feeling them I started to gain acceptance of what was arising in me. I began to understand the weight of what I was feeling. Everyday got darker, and everyday I got more and more fearful for myself. There were moments where I had almost given up and fell to the dark but a tiny voice in me told me to get up. It wouldn’t let me.
That fear led me to start seeing a therapist again. But this time it was completely different than therapy before. As I went through the darkness the past became less my focus. Family dysfunction started to not ache as much. Old traumas didn’t hurt anymore, and I don’t think I mentioned things I did previously. I was done living in the past. Like literally I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I wanted to focus on right now and learning how to find peace, learn to communicate my truths, and deal with anxiety when it arose. I still can’t tell you how amazing it is to not be haunted by the past and to have claimed a huge portion of my power back. Things still come up, old patterns, but I am in complete recognition of them, I see them and acknowledge them, and say to myself. This is no longer my reality.
Having the time off for true self discovery was a blessing of massive proportions. I know who I am, and value that with every fiber of my being. I look back on old videos using Marco Polo and I see the tears and defeat. I hear the heartache in my voice, and I just am so grateful to be here now. I still feel like I am stuck and waiting, but because the world is as well. But for me I am so happy to be alive and healthy. I know when this started I couldn’t imagine life being good again, but now as the clouds are slowly clearing up I know now I can do anything I set my mind to. I know it starts with my mentality. This blog got me through, writing everyday got me here. I don’t know if anyone is reading this but you saw this journey. I may not of shared all the horrors I went through but everyday I work on myself more and more. Being more open, challenge myself to face fears and obstacles, standing up for myself and speaking my truth. I own my power now and am excited for what will come in the future. Thank you so much for sharing this journey with me so far. I am grateful for the encouragement I have received from some of you. I know 2020 has been a hard year for us all, and we can survive! Hears to hoping the second half becomes extraordinary!!! Believe with me!
Today was at a 7. I was mentally drained from the family event that occurred the other day. It finally got to my body. Tomorrow will be great!