Childhood friends and Nostalgia
Today I found myself reminiscing about childhood. Listening to music from my youth, nostalgic for those days of laughter and joy. I had a best friend who was more than that, she was my sister. I loved her and her mom and sister like they were mine. I spent more time with her then I did with my own family. Being there with them I was allowed to be a kid, I was allowed to be me.
Althought I was super shy, only because of my own family dysfunction, I felt like I belonged somewhere. Its funny, you think your own family would do that but I always had to chose sides or people. I was thrown in the middle of the adults inadequecies, and drama and made to believe I was the cause for it. I always felt scared at home no matter where it was because the lack of support and not knowing who I would wind up with next. But at my friends house I felt loved and appreciated. One time her mom went and stood up for me to my own family. That was the first time anyone ever stood up for me and I have never forgotten it.
Recently I started to reconnect with my childhood friend. Im so excited about this, And cant wait to meet up. Ive always wanted that kind of friendship I had with her again. I have tried to find my tribe and people but always feel left out and made to feel like I just dont belong. I don’t know if its a lack of commonality or what but it always feels temporary.
I was also missing family. Or what I believe to be family. I also wished that I had a real mom. One that I could talk to during this pandemic or see or even hang out with. I have always been jealous of people that have that because I never did. Some days you just want your mom but mine just isn’t able to give anything because of the mental illness. I accept where she is at now, I just have a hard time not having the love and trust I crave from her and my family. But I digress.
Have you felt like you don’t belong? Well you have come to the right place! I get that and understand how that feels. What do you do to find others that get it and understand what you want from a friendship or relationship? How do you handle it? Are you open or do you find so much hesitation in it? Is there a different way to be open around others? I always ask questions, its how I understand and learn. Im always asking myself more and demanding better.
Today was at a 7. I dipped at one point below that and It was only for like 30 minutes. I was like ohhhh hell nah girl!! Get yourself outta this and that is what I did!! You can too!