Blame

I use to feel this a lot, and sometimes I still do. There were times I would blame myself for the actions of others. I use to blame others for the treatment I would receive from them. Blame was my way of hiding the hurt and pain I felt every time I was rejected or not invited by others. Blame was what I did to myself about my past, and is what I do still unfortunately in my present. What does blame mean? It is passing over control to a situation or person for why you didn’t take 100% responsibility now. You use the past or others to push the responsibility off of you. And it takes that victim mentality and keeps you embracing it.

Blame can derail you every time its used. It weakens your own self assurity and acts like a cascade of self destruction raining down on all you think. Why do we blame others? Why do we blame ourselves? I do both so I understand what it means but I don’t understand why we do it when we can instead chose something else. Instead chose to forgive or let go or chose love. Chose to rise above it and harness it to better yourself. It’s all about mindset, and shifting that is a practice that requires you to be vigilant every second of everyday.

For instance lets talk about one thing I blame another for. When I was a kid I went to live with my grandparents. At first everything was okay but soon I would learn what it was to be at war. Like clockwork every 2/3 weeks my grandmother would draw her bow and begin the battle. These fights would be nothing at first. But soon they wore me down. She would find a reason to fight with me. Over everything or nothing. I don’t remember half of them, and occasionally she would get everyone else in the family involved. It was mentally draining and to do this sort of treatment to a still developing mind that has already been traumatized was even more traumatic. A huge thing with this was I wasn’t allowed friends and if I did my grandmother had me call the shrink to see if it was ok. Or she would tell the parents of my friends my entire life story. This left me doing 2 things as an adult, isolating and not allowing myself to be a part of a community or have real friendships, and also always telling everyone my story. I believed that I had to tell everyone everything because I learned that in order to have friendships these people needed to know everything I went through. It’s something I work on daily, and it’s something I hate that I do.

These fights broke me and I blamed who I was because of them. When I became an adult I would soon find myself fighting with someone every 2/3 weeks over nothing. That changed to less fighting with others and now more fighting an internal war. I realized this problem I faced back when I was about 27, when I would soon start to realize everything I needed to change. I blamed my parents for not being there, I blamed my grandparents for taking away so much from me. I blamed myself for getting us out of my fathers house. I blamed so much that the hatred for myself grew and grew like a dark horse. Chasing after me every step I took. When I hit 30 and lost my long term relationship thats when everything started to crumble. I got help a year later, working on the traumas, and now I don’t blame as much. Yes I still blame because with complex PTSD the triggers come at you hard and you relive it, then you get sucked back into the old story and bullshit.

I know this is more of a journal entry lately, but in order for growth sometimes we need to self reflect and own our shit. If me telling myself to others gets one person to help themselves then I will do that.

So what does blaming do anyways? Like really, you blame someone for not getting you up early, when you could of set the alarm clock. You blame someone for constantly belittling you at your job and instead of talking to your boss or going to a new job, you complained about it instead of taking action. Blame allows us to be like oh look I couldn’t do this because this happened and screwed up everything. That pity party is like let me off the hook so I don’t have to do the work to improve myself. But that’s when you become the victim in every little thing in life. Oh the pharmacy tech didn’t have my drugs done when I came in so, let me scream at them and treat this other person poorly because wooo is me. That hurt pushes onto others and creates the collective as humanity to become more hurt and victims. So do you want to keep blaming someone else for the things you won’t do? Do you want to keep living in the insanity of victimization, repeating the same things over and over and hoping to get a different result? If you are going to blame someone then use it as fuel. This happened but look how I turned out anyways. Take back what happened. Take back the shit because the moment you start accepting your life and reality, the sooner you can start living. That shit molded me from clay into a creature of marble wrapped in silk, it made me stronger. But my mentality was weak and fragile and was in a place of blame. Once I am able to control my mind and harden it then it won’t hurt me anymore. I can take responsibility for me right now.

What are some things you blame on others? Do you try to see your role in it? Somethings are out of our control sure, and some things others do to us is fucked up and horrible, but that doesn’t mean to keep wallowing in it. Even after its over you keep allowing it to dictate your future. Do you want to keep living that way? Are you ready to start working on it every time it comes up? Or do you want to keep blaming the world for your unfair shot in the game? The choice is yours.