Numbers in the form of peace
I want to practice using peace. A big part of my depression has come up during this time of isolation, and a couple days ago I was able to start putting it on the numeric system. This number has showed me a lot about myself. Why am I settling for a 3 when I can move up to a 8 or 9 and really enjoy everyday I am given. I love numbers, always have. Numbers are fact and logic, and my sense of logic is always searching for answers to why my emotions are what they are. This gave me a sense of peace. Putting that number to things allowed me to dig in and take ownership for myself. That internal ease put me back in control of my thoughts and feelings instead of grasping at straws.
Everyday I check in with myself to see where I am on the scale and since I’ve been doing this it gave me a reality check and put my sense of competition into overdrive. We aren’t competing with others even though we think that’s our driving force. We are in competition with ourselves. And being at my lowest, yes one day I was at a 1, prior to my numeric system, this showed me holy shit I don’t want to be there ever again. I want to be at a 10, that’s my goal. To strive for a 10. Have you ever been so low you didn’t think you would ever come out of it? That the internal war was so severe you felt like you just wanted to give up? Well I have and it wasn’t even a week ago that the intensity I felt was there.
I explained the numeric system before but lets dive more into this. I want you to use a scale from 1-10. 1 being the lowest you feel ranging on suicidal and 10 being the highest you feel. Really see where you are at on this scale. When you start feeling down in your life I want you to check in and see where you are at. That moment you give it a number your brain is able to logically understand the emotional state you are in. And then you have a choice, to stay in that level or fucking challenge the status quo!
Our brains are split into 2. The logic and reasoning side, and the emotional and creative side. Separated they create the entirety of who you are. The yin and yang, but sometimes we fall more one way then the other. When that occurs we need to find a solution for one side to understand the other. Me I am a logical person but I am also very emotional. Probably because I lack mental control over the thoughts and feelings I have. Like I said trauma may give you strength but it leaves you fragile and it’s your job to take that atrophy and make muscles. So in order for me to communicate within my 2 sides adding a number to how I feel gave the logical side in me the ability to understand the emotional side. It was like a code I never thought to use until my friend Brian gave it to me. Once I saw I was at a 3 my logical side was like wait what? Why are you at a 3? How can I improve this to be a 4? How can we increase this number everyday? What do you need in order to elevate yourself? The gears started shifting and it put me into the drivers seat again.
I want you to figure out what side you seem to be more of. More emotional then learn to talk to your logical side with numbers. More logical then try to talk to your emotional side by using numbers to determine your feelings. Like hey I am at a 3 so that means I am feeling really low. What emotions come up surrounding this number. It can be that easy. If you don’t want to try this system then I suggest you find something that works and appeals to you. For me I love numbers so this approach gave me a deeper understanding of my emotional state. We are all different and what works for me may not for you.
If you decide to use this where are you at today on your scale? Write it down, think about it. Use this number as the flint, and your action as the tinder. Through that you can create a roaring fire to create peace and warmth for your body, mind and soul. Once you get that number write some things down that you want to do. They don’t need to be these huge goals, simple things. Like go for a walk. Do the laundry. Write a blog. Read for 20 minutes. Then as you do them check them off. That task sheet will help you boost that number up. It gives you a sense of achievement. If you start feeling low throughout the day check in with yourself. I see I am falling to a 4 what can I do right now to go back up to a 5. Little things like this create mental fortitude in that you take control back over you instead of spiraling out. I know how hard it can be to get out of a dark place, but just know you can.