Communication
Vital importance this whole communication thing. Many times we blame, assume and act like we are mind readers. When there is a lack of communication that is when we take things personally. We adopt the false stories as truths and make up how others perceive us all because we are either a. To afraid to confront someone. B. Afraid of rejection. C. Afraid of abandonment. Are you getting this? No? We live in fear rather than embrace truth and honesty. We try to put puzzle pieces together that are all fragmented from our own lives and figure out why someone is mad at us, or acting weird towards us. But the simplest thing we can do is just ask. But the fears hold us back from open communication.
Some of this is adopted due to societies no tell policy. Where we stay quiet about our feelings, our pains, our “negative” headspace and only show perfect teeth, perfect bodies and perfect lives. But life isn’t perfection. It’s messy and if you have the pleasure of truly embodying the messy then you get to truly live. We are taught to fear communication, we are taught that men do things with their men friends “masculine guy time.” And women are suppose to complain about the men and have their pamper gossip time. EXCUSE ME WHAT?? The indoctrination is over thank you very much. Men enjoy things women enjoy just as much as women enjoy things men enjoy. Why? Because we aren’t divided by sex, or race, or whatever ism. We are all one species, human beings.
Yet somewhere along the line we were told don’t bother men with your feelings. And men were told tough love and bottle your feelings in. Let’s get this straight right now, communication is about openly engaging in a conversation about thoughts, feelings, and boundaries. It isn’t a complaining, gossip sesh, but a heartfelt place full of vulnerability. When we get over our own egos and realize we all feel insecure sometimes, we all feel unlovable, we all feel the same types of things then we will see that being free is to be authentically you and communicate your heart.
I’ve always been a type of communicator where I process out loud. I try to internalize now and if I do I feel like I’m going to explode. Understanding yourself better by knowing how you process information will allow you to explain to others.What kind of communicator are you? Do you become resentful and passive aggressive because someone doesn’t understand? Well that’s probably because you aren’t communicating either in a way they understand, or you haven’t communicated and you expect the person to just know they wronged you in some way. What are some ways that you are able to communicate with a spouse, a partner, a friend how you are feeling? What fear holds you back from expressing how you feel?
Try an exercise. Look in the mirror and have an open conversation with yourself. Talk to yourself and watch your face. Are you getting mad, are you getting annoyed looking? Now imagine someone else is watching you get angry as you try to communicate. What would happen? They would get defensive. Feelings are great to have, they help you to know what you need to change, but make sure you don’t allow those feelings to bombard and attack someone else because you are feeling overwhelmed or hurt or scared. Communication is about having a conversation rather than talking at someone. It’s not blaming or judging someone, it’s being honest about “hey I feel this way because these things occurred and now I feel insecure.” Or whatever you are trying to have come across. The point is to take ownership of your feelings because no one can make you feel anything. You do that on your own. Fights are not these heated debates that try to hurt the other person, that’s toxic. It’s talking about your feelings and not blaming someone else for YOUR feelings.
When we learn to own our own lives and take responsibility for ourselves we learn who exactly that is. We learn to approach others without being reactionary and instead have a talk that is mature and understanding. If you are constantly complaining, fighting, dealing with drama, unless that’s what you want maybe it’s time to check in with you and realize You are just as much a part of the problem as the other person. Just because one person hurt your feelings doesn’t mean you should take the victim mentality and be like nope it was all them. They did everything and I have no control, blah blah blah. Most people live this way, not seeing that by blaming others, by gossiping, by being cruel or disrespectful you give your own power away and instead take on the role of the “victim.” You create everything in your life with your thoughts. That includes how you communicate with everyone else. I hope that if you are in a place where you aren’t able to communicate without fighting you seek a counselor because that rage inside you requires some self evaluation and work.
In the future some ways to communicate effectively, shut up and listen. Don’t listen to react or speak. LISTEN! Hear what the other person is saying and then let it sink in. Actively reflect what that person is saying so they know you have heard them, and so that you know you understand what it is they are saying. After this speak about your feelings in regard to this in a non threatening, open way. Ask questions like how can we work together to resolve this, or what can we do right now to make this right. Don’t blame them for their feelings, work together as a team to resolve the situation. Then ask if you could do anything differently. Listen, and if it isn’t something within your boundaries then work together to find a balance. It doesn’t have to be some big to do, or a plate throwing match. All’s you have to do is listen. You may start to see things from a different perspective.
Today was a 7.