Commitment

To commit is to give 100% to the task, person, or thing. It means you don’t change your mind, or give up. Commitment is a huge struggle for many, including myself. As we grow and evolve we change, so does our tastes and likes. Sometimes what we once committed to is no longer serving our growth now. But here’s the thing with commitment, it is work. It’s not just something you do until you grow tired or bored of it, it requires you to pursue it daily. That’s why relationships fail, or people chose not to do something. Because having to put an effort into something is hard, and you could fail at it. Having something you work so hard at and then it just winds up not fitting or being right, that’s just draining and heartbreaking.

I have a hard time committing to something. I fall in love hard and fast with an idea, and if I am not given the support and encouragement I need to follow through I give up after a time. It’s how I have always been since I was a child. Perhaps it’s because of the constant moving around from place to place, person to person, and lack of encouragement and support but I find myself never trying. I see the idea and the end result but then get scared by the work and commitment of it, so what happens is I just allow myself to give up. I’m not making excuses, I am calling out one of my weaknesses. I have to thank one of my friends for actually saying it to my face. Sure I got quiet at first, but a truth bomb gets you thinking. But I didn’t let it push me down or change how I feel about that person. It was a much needed push, and I am grateful for it.

I love what I do. Being a massage therapist is such a joy for me and helping to heal my clients is an amazing purpose. But there are times I get drained and tired of it. I go through doubts and burnout a lot. This whole time during isolation allowed me to dive into who I am and start seeing what I need to change. Sure not working was terrifying but eye opening. I have taken this time to commit to myself and stop being a pity party. It showed me my lack of commitment to things and that if I want to be the successful person I see in my minds eye, I am going to have to work. Fuck, well that sucks. I have been coasting by just hoping for something to inspire me or be like an aha moment or maybe hand me it on a silver platter. Maybe we all do that and having to take control to get shit done well that’s so much work. I guess that’s why I am not really good at much other then massage. Massage is my job and how I live, so I had lots of practice. I mean ALOT because I had to. I was forced to work or I couldn’t afford anything. Other things I would start and just be like never mind because I didn’t want to apply the effort. Maybe it was low self worth, maybe it was hating not being good at something, maybe it was feeling unsupported, whatever the reasons or excuses I am tired of them. The thing is I commit to others, but when it comes to committing to myself I jump ship. I turn tail and run. Do you do that? Are there things you just procrastinate on or just never pull the trigger on? It’s okay to admit it. Shit I am right now. But once you admit it, you have to take responsibility for what you did or didn’t do.

What is something you want to commit to? Or someone? Do you really want that thing? Do you really want that relationship? Ask yourself, does this give me joy? And if so are you willing to put the time, energy, and effort into this? Or are you just going to wish for the “outcome.” Are you going to go from one thing to the next, never settling into anything, and just wasting your time with instant gratification. Because that’s what happens. You start something and have the high, then after it requires time and work you lose the high. That’s when you commit or you just move on to the next high. Trust me I get it, chasing something to feel good. But those endorphins run out and soon you have nothing to show for yourself. Do you want to be chasing after a feeling? Or do you want to commit to the journey?