Transitions and allowance
The move and transition left me in a place that I was unsure of. For the past 2 months my footing has been quiet sporadic and definitely left me in a place of uncertainty. When change happens it can be really scary and challenging, it can leave you in a whirlwind of “what-ifs” and fear. This is precisely what happened to me. I fell off my consistency bandwagon and slowly plummeted into a place of depression. Not just because of the move but because my body decided it too was overwhelmed by the stress. That caused my low back to seize up last week and I found myself in a place of defeat and not wanting to work anymore. Those feelings were not my usually state but since the move I have felt more and more how much I just don’t want to work anymore.
Coming from someone who is a work horse and has always been striving for excellence at what she does that caused a huge rift these past months. I needed to re-evaluate my why, take time to heal my body and to get my shit together, frankly. The thing was all these limiting beliefs buried deep in the chasm of my subconscious had become full blown activated. I was doubting myself, my confidence was slipping, and the creativity and imagination that is me seemed to vanish without a trace. I felt I was unable to write, unable to create, unable to move or work or feel joy. It was as if all the joy was sucked out of me and I kept working anyways. I kept making posts on social media, kept working at it but I felt I was forcing it. I felt the mask was on and my once genuine posts felt like a facade.
Over the past week I had finally go to my breaking point when I couldn’t even get out of bed because my back was so seized I felt overwhelmed with defeat, anxiety and just these give up feelings. I sought help through chiropractors and they helped alleviate it to a degree but it still plagues me now. After the first adjustment my emotions overwhelmed me and I released 2 months worth of emotions I had been ignoring and trying to escape. It was a deep cry that started this questioning of, “Are these limiting beliefs even true?” I questioned everything from if I enjoy what I do to who was I without my old space? These things had become a part of me and I made them my identity but once I left that space was when my brain map of identity started spiraling out into “freak out” land because it had no idea anymore who I was.
Yesterday was the worst of my fatigue/exhaustion days. Later that evening I went to the spa after a rather event filled morning. I spent my time chatting with my friend and then my massage time came! I had asked my other friend to do Reiki on me while I got a massage from a lovely therapist. During the session all the un-nerving feelings, all the anxiety, doubt about magic, doubt about myself seemed to vanish. I started reading her energy and talking to her about what I was seeing for her. I was beyond calm and felt connected to my intuition again, connected to the universe and connected to myself for the first time in a while. I allowed myself to be open and speak to her about all the things I was seeing for her and she was quite open and receptive to receive. In that session I allowed myself to be the one thing I have been craving so deeply in my life, Magic. I am magic. I have been wanting to be connected on a deeper level and explore my spirituality more, my intuition more, and I was able to open up again to it.
Since my move I haven’t felt connected to me or my emotions and this blocked me from joy and from loving what I do. Because I had attached myself to a place and to a “career” form I became lost once I moved away from those very things. In my new space I wanted to be more than just my LMT title stated, I wanted to be boss, to be a coach, to be a team player, to be a friend, to be a leader but that old identity stood there like NO. You are none of these things, you work in a gym as an LMT. I BELONGED there. How dare you leave that behind. That was the battle, that was the doubt, low self-confidence reason for me dimming my own shine. I have attached myself to others, to things that were, that I was told I was and in my new space, mentally, I knew none of those things were who or what I am now. They didn’t match up with the greatness I truly was. They were levels beneath the badass I had become yet they lurked behind me as my shadow slowly poking me until I was bruised and unable to move forward.
I want to tell you this my friend, if you are in a transition of career, relationships, personal, or what have you please be kind to yourself. Shame and beating up yourself to just get after it, to just give 100% already or stop pitying yourself already damn it are not ways you should treat yourself. I get the “hustle” and the drive and motivation, but when those things disappear leaving you feel hopeless or defeated then give yourself some time to grieve. Life is not warp speed, so during these moments trust that you are making room for yourself to grow into the person you are or wish to become and are shedding all the bs that no longer works for you. I beat myself up constantly during this time because I thought I was just being stupid or complain but I was in the process of grieving for a self that no longer served me or that I identified with. I was in a process of shedding old limiting beliefs about career, money, family and relationships. Kindness is not just about treating others with compassion and empathy but it also is treating yourself this way. So be kind to your process. Feel what your feeling and find a way to cleanse it and let it go. Find a way for you to heal and move forward during any new chapter so that you don’t get stuck living in the old. Find a way to be here now instead of searching to the future and getting overwhelmed by all the things you start putting on your plate. You are only in control of right now and you. Be patient and love yourself and the process. It will make going with the flow that much more easier.
Today is an 8.