Rejection

This is a hard topic cause the first thing you think of is being rejected by others. There is so much fear in being vulnerable and showing ourselves because we care what others think and say about us. But that’s bullshit for me, sure my ego is fragile right now because I allow the victim mentality to keep me isolated in this callousness without turning it around. What really is happening for me is a rejection of myself. All the shit that went down, all the stories of my past I reject them. Instead of embracing it and owning to it, I instead reject any part of it. That is the hardest rejection you face. The one of yourself.

Think about all the obstacles you have faced and overcome. Does that make you feel like you got somewhere? Do you feel like you beat that shit? For me I don’t. I don’t feel like I have done anything with my life, and it’s not because I am not grateful or living in the moment. It’s because deep down in my foundation I reject all the success and achievements I have ever made. I reject myself. You can become the most successful person in the world but if you have a fucked up foundation then those demons are going to bleed through those cracks. No matter what happens. All this digging inside, honing in on what makes me broken, what makes me this way. None of it matters because I rejected all the events that carved me from wood. Sure I talk about them in the sense of a victim but that doesn’t own them, it doesn’t accept the past for what it is.

There are so many times I find myself dwelling on things that don’t matter, because I see someone doing the shit I am to afraid to do. Putting in the work I am to afraid to do. Everyday I wake up at a depression level of 3 and some days I coast and put on a fake smile but in my core I reject all that I am. (Scale- 1 is the worst -suicidal and 10 is best- euphoric.) What happens is everyone is doing deadlifts right and hitting their mark and here I am trying to do it but those resistance bands double the load. I am walking around with extra weight on my back, holding me down instead of harnessing that power for good. I allow it to cripple me for bad. This is what self rejection looks like. It’s a constant blame of others for shit, bad life circumstances, hurt feelings, blah blah blah. It’s insecurity because there is no foundation to be secure in. Self rejection is a mindset that is victimized through life, constantly allowing things to continue the “poor me”.

What can you do then to accept it? Get so low it hurts. Get into the very heart of your soul, find it. Cry, break the fuck down until you are sitting there so low you have a choice. Keep surviving in the comfort of self hatred or get the fuck up and take charge. Not just love yourself and accept your life, but use those negative thoughts to fuel you to become harder and better. There will be a shit ton of resistance, you may cry every time a truth bomb hits you. You may shutdown and introvert but you have to get back up. There is no surrendering to this because it’s going to be a constant battle.

Yesterday I spoke to my own life coach and he challenged me to do the work. His words helped but I hated hearing everything he was saying. All these things I had to do, the work I had to do was overloading my brain. I resented taking that call and hearing him repeat things over and over. Why? Because I knew he was right and my safety of self hatred was screaming that he was wrong. I got off the phone feeling worst then I have in a while not because of him but because I had to take a good hard look at myself. I asked my partner what helped him change and I listened to what he had to say. I listened to him, to my coach, and to David Goggin’s words as I read. Before I went to sleep I told myself no fucking more. I was going to get out of this depression and fucking start taking charge. It’s not easy, it’s not comfortable but I fucking need this.

When you reject yourself you reject everything you are or will be. You automatically halt any dream, and any reality. You become a zombie going through the motions of life. Never satisfied, always exhausted and living in the grey. I allowed this to be my case for years. I allowed myself to keep giving up on myself. I gave others advice about things, even here in my blog I speak about all these wonderful things that I know and have learned but have I taken my own advice? Have I really looked at what I need to improve and what I should do to be better? Life is work and if you don’t want to be doing that then you are wasting your life. I thought God had made a mistake when he made me, but now it was me who was mistaken.

Today I did the things that usually make me cringe. I walked my dog outside in the cold for over an hour. I love being outside but when I am depressed I isolate and don’t do anything. I pushed myself to stretch and listen to an audiobook. Since I started my day taking charge I have not had anxiety once. That is a wonderful feeling. So I ask you do you reject yourself? Do you beat yourself up constantly for things that you are and then never do any work to change it? Do you look at others and think how they reject you or don’t accept you? I did not to long ago. I was obsessed with it, and now I realize how someone feels about me doesn’t matter, it’s what I think of myself that does. And I have a lot of work to do in order to fucking accept these old bones.

What will you do with your time? Are you going to keep allowing yourself to stay mediocre? Stay at the same level? Or are you going to rise up and accept yourself right now? Really look at yourself in the mirror and own those truths. Don’t just say what you think you should but what is in the depths of your soul. Push yourself to dig in and see what you reject. Do you reject your weaknesses? Do you reject your worth? Do you reject the idea of what you can do? Whatever you reject start using that fuel to show it what you are made of. Start accepting yourself, and know that you are in control of your emotions and actions. Pain is temporary, it’s a mental block, so push past it. Push past the discomfort because thats when you face yourself the most. Do you think you are worth the fight?