Work Joy

I have found so much joy in what I do. Lately I haven’t been able to feel that joy because of all the mental crap of where I do it. For the past 5 years I have done massage in a room without windows. Now for you, you may be thinking well I don’t have windows or so what. But imagine being in a room 200sq feet all day with dim lighting and no natural light. Then add on top of that weights dropping, house music blaring. What happens then to your central nervous system. It causes a sympathetic response that creates tension and anxiety. But then add one last thing, the mentally of the actual environment. 

Now I haven’t spoken out or in depth about it because I guess a part of me fears someone I know reading this and being like wow Hope. But as I said yesterday my voice is going to be heard and I am done hiding behind fear and generalizations. So let’s dive in shall we?

Where I currently am has brought me so much joy, but during and after quarantine it gave me a real dose of truth. It brings out a lot of anxiety. Not because of the community there. The people I adore, they are the reason I have stayed as long as I have. I have grown in my practice and in who I am today from it. I’ve learned so much these past 3 years and am so beyond grateful for that. But the thing is I can’t always be myself there. I feel watched and judged by a few people there. It makes things uncomfortable at times. And the thing I love most is to be safe and comfortable especially being my authentic self. 

Over the years I have seen things that make me pull back and now I pretty much stay to myself because I don’t want to get hurt or involved or have anything bad happen. So I don’t show myself there, and this makes it harder to be in a small room without windows, seeing nature or opening the window to get fresh air. 

Last night the conversation made me work harder today then I have in a long time. I fell back in love with massage, with making deep connections with my clients, with helping people despite my anxiety about the place. Now don’t get me wrong that gym has changed people’s lives, given people hope, and helped people become better versions of themselves. I’ve seen people become so incredible there because the community itself is what provides people with support. I am so unbelievably blessed to be there and to have learned so much, but I don’t feel it’s where I belong, nor has it been for a long time now. 

When you find people you vibe with, you can share ideas and joys with, you can be yourself with that is truly a gift. And as I grew into myself I started to find those people. Those like minded supportive individuals who don’t need something to support you. They do it because it’s true kindness. No anterior motives, just creative loving support. That is where I want to be, surrounded with people who truly invoke kindness. 

So in the future I will find that spot that suits me, that makes me shine brighter then I ever could where I am. I know it’s coming because I feel it, I’ve seen it. I know those people are slowly coming to fruition, and I will have a truly brilliant supportive team that challenges me, and vice versa. I am waiting, being patient. What I learned is that not everyone is going to like you, not everyone is going to be a fit for you, you just have to be okay with being you regardless. 

Today was a 9.