Change
Tonight I got to have one of the most raw, genuine conversations I’ve had in a long while. A mirror, showing you the bs, holding that reflection up to you and finally I had the courage to peer into myself. Those kinds of conversations always change me. They make me see how I desperately need to change things within myself.
So as I drove home I got real with myself. What is it I need to change? My agreeableness first off, but that brought it deeper. Be kind in the face of defensiveness. What this means that when I am hurt I use that hurt feeling and project it out into the world. I complain, build up a bunch of resentment and become miserable. I allow myself to sit in that becoming submissive. I had to ask myself a few different questions and speak the answers out loud to really start understanding my own process. What does this mean and how do I do it?
Well I Make a statement like I abandon myself for the sake of acceptance from others, then I see if it resonates with me. If it doesn’t I ask something else. I abandon my voice for the acceptance of others. That’s closer but not quite right. So again I will allow myself to sit with it and come to another conclusion. When I am triggered I submit my power to others for fear of abandonment. Still not right. And this can go on until I truly feel the words. What I mean is just this ah-ha moment of yes that’s absolutely it. 100% without a doubt that’s how I feel.
Tonight conversation brought me back to this. In my family they use to pick someone to gang up on, they would talk about them, make exaggerations and even sometimes lies about them. They would outcast them and not let them back into the inner circle without them submitting their voice and their power. The control and manipulations were serious, and everyone played into it for fear that they would be on the chopping block next. I was always that black sheep. The one who was always talked about and belittled. This cycle my family did has been one I have seen time and time again. I see it in clicks, in relationships with people I think are my friends. I finally understand what I have been inviting into my life. This only taught me to be silent when I see that cycle happening for fear of being judged, rejected, or abandoned.
Instead of staying out of things or not being party to the talks I jump in, reluctantly. I see myself siding sometimes with someone and running to their defense. My survival instincts kick in because I was so use to having to be so reactionary, standing up for myself, that I become triggered to build a comrade in the fight. I always play devils advocate or try to help the other side understand a why, but there are occasions I slip into that cycle of exactly what my family did. This is when I use my own hurts to project them out into the world, leaving myself feeling like shit, and like an asshole.
The point of this blog post isn’t to air my dirty laundry but to show a recognition in a pattern I have done. It’s to show you that we are capable of change, to show myself that I don’t accept this as my reality anymore. I am so tired of keeping my voice silent for fear that I will be hurt again. I am tired of fake people. I am tired of not being 100% authentically me because I feel uncomfortable where I work. I am done. 100% done not speaking up or just telling someone to fuck off and learn some god damn empathy. So tonight I found the thing I am going to be working on for however long it takes. I am getting the fuck out, moving on, and speaking my mind. Who cares what anyone thinks of you if you can’t just be yourself. All it does is make you resentful, complainy and just bitter. I say if you start accepting your flaws. Figure out what things you do that are wrong or bad and own up to them and then change them, you will be able to grow. Where I am now is miles away from where I use to be. I am so proud of who I am now. And now that I see this cycle, and how I don’t speak my truth, that is what I will practice from now on every single day, regardless of someone else’s feelings. My truths and feelings don’t stop happening because someone else has them.
today was a 7.