Neutrality

Have you had a day where you were neither positive or negative but neutral? You viewed things in a way that just seemed almost indifferent? I am someone who is direct and to the point, I have no time for drama and I am a straight shooter when it comes to things. In the past sure I held my truth in because I wasnt being honest with myself, but now I am transforming. 

When you feel neutral about everything its like you get to experience what is. There is no positive to it, no negative, just right here. This tends to happen a lot to me. But in the past I always thought there was something wrong with me when I felt this way. I always took it as a bad thing to be what seems to be “indifferent” but actually it is going with the flow. In these moments I watch everything around me like I havent seen it before, sometimes thoughts arise but I ignore then and go back to the silence I feel. Its like all those racing thoughts, the emotions are coming up blank but instead in reality its I am at peace. 

Its really funny when you all you usually see is that something is going on in your head and when there isnt you instead think theres something wrong with you. Earlier today I felt my feelings out loud and just let them go. Usually they cycle and are maddening, driving me to anxiety or comparisons but today I truly felt them as a child would and found myself feeling neutral after. I didnt lack emotion or lack positive or negative, I just felt content in seeing where the day took me. 

Have you ever done that? Or are you so caught up in the drama? Do you let this whirlwind of events, people take over your ability to just be? Are you the kind of person who needs to constantly talk about others to feel like your living? Guess what your not. You are so focused on others, coveting what they have or doing, getting involved in business that isn’t yours and you call that living? Gossip for you is living? Worrying about others is living? I use to do this very thing. I use to compare, question, believe all this outer nonsense that made me question my own worth day in and day out. I was so focused on whats outside me that I was always chasing after everyone and everything. I had no inner peace, no laughter, no real moments of just now.  

This quarantine has gifted me with a lot. And the best gift I have is that I have no idea about a future and that I no longer carry my past. I have no control over anything and to truly just be happy in the moment. Today was the first day I feel I have emerged from a caccoon that has been shaping me. Putting all of my ups and downs to the test. I feel I have pushed to analyze everything in my life and most of all it made me look at myself. What have I done, what am I now? 

And today I didnt look at the past or blame it, I just felt the now. I hope this continues. I hope that I keep emerging from this caccoon of transformation into who I am meant to be. 

What can you do to stop making things positive or negative? Have you taken a second to just stop the drama, the bullshit, your self need to be right, letting your damn ego get in the way to just be now? Why not take a minute to just be? Let the thoughts pass from one to the next if you have to think. Dont engage it, just be. Maybe you might be able to discover your own weaknesses if you take the time to be in the now. 

Today I was at an 8. I just loved that things just were. No attachments. No stigmas attached. I like the no judgement, and just raw realistic truth.