Happy Mothers Day
I want to write this today to thank all the wonderful female warriors for bringing life into this world. Mother’s Day is a hard day for me and many others. I didn’t have a mother growing up, she was absent for many reasons. Mental illness, and drugs, and family dysfunction lead my family down a dark road and still to this day does. For 11 years I was able to have a mother even though there was cancer and back and forth I still had her for that short time. Over the years I struggled and even to this day I struggle with allowing people in. It’s not for pity but I say it because typing the words I hope reach me. I hope that I can change.
For so long I didn’t want a family of my own. I didn’t think I was capable and because my past led me to believe I would do what my family did to me. But as I grow and mature and realize my inner light I realize having a family is one of the most important things in my life. I fought that feeling for so long because I have a hard time with relationships, I have a hard time with many things, why would I ever want to bring someone into this world that I could ruin. I guess feeling broken left me thinking about the harm I would do instead of seeing the opposite. That I could be better for them because I know how not to be.
Last night was a difficult night for me. The family I have put a lot of things into perspective. That I don’t want to be a part of the dysfunction and trash anymore and I need to forgive for myself. So this morning I allowed myself to meditate for the first time in a long time and I reached out to all my friends who are moms and thanked them for being a mother. Seeing that so many people out there are wonderful mothers brings me hope that one day I will be as well. I am choosing my own family now. I get to make a choice who is part of my life and who isn’t. I get to finally be free to chose and to let people in. In the heartbreak last night I got something that I won’t let leave, and that is acceptance. I can’t change my mom, my sister, my brothers, my father, my grandparents, aunt’s, uncles. I can’t change what happened, I can’t change how they are, I have no control over any of it. And it doesn’t change who I am. I am a survivor. I survived the abuse, I survived the heartbreak after going back over and over, I survived the ptsd, I survived all of it. And here I am now, a woman who is stronger for it. I want to apologize to anyone who I may have hurt along the way. I want to say I am sorry for not being a better friend to some, or for being selfish. I want to say I am sorry I hid and allowed myself to believe I was worthless. This Mother’s Day I want to say that all the woman I see who are raising their babies right you give me courage to believe I am capable of that too.
So happy Mother’s Day to all you wonderful souls. I want to thank all the female support I have received over the years who have built me up when I didn’t have a mother to cry to. I want to thank all my female warriors who spent hours in pain bringing in a life. You all make this world a better place and I am so grateful for you.
Today I am at a 7. Even with everything that happened last night. I just can’t allow myself to be down. Not anymore. Here’s to part 2: the life of Hope.