Smiles

For a while now I haven’t been able to smile. It’s not because I don’t want to. Literally just felt like even when I was smiling I couldn’t feel it. Smiling activates so much good endorphins in the brain. When you smile it triggers your brain to respond with happy feels. And then when you add laughter to that, that is when you are able to release even more endorphins. The science behind smiling is that once you smile your brain starts a positive feedback loop that goes to your brain and reinforces feelings of joy. Smiling can give us the same feeling as if we exercised. But there is a difference between a fake smile and a genuine one.

I feel that for 2 years I haven’t been able to truly smile, like something was caging me. Sure I would smile but it didn’t fully feel like I was. I couldn’t shake this feeling for so long until Mother’s Day. Like I said the day before that was a hard hard night but a much necessary one for me. It put so much into perspective and I got something back that I felt was taken from me. Ever since then I’ve been in this amazing place I’ve felt once before. Where I could laugh and smile, where I could work out with sheer determination and focus instead of rage, when I looked at myself and I didn’t feel like a black shadow was cast over me. During that time I got in shape and was extremely active. I was making facebook lives for my oils, and I was going out with friends on the regular. I wondered for so long what happened to me. Why did I become such a negative recluse? Why did that light go out and why was I angry at literally everyone?

But then the other night after a heated conversation with my sister I broke. Something inside me broke wide open. I felt every nerve, every cell in my body screaming. I had uncontrollable shakes and was beyond sad. I had never felt like this before, so intense like everything in me was releasing all at once. But instead of doing it alone I called my friend to be with me. That was new. Wait I called someone even though I was so vulnerable. I didn’t even see what was happening to me. Like the fuck. I didn’t go through it alone, she came over and I told her everything. I know I am revealing a lot right now but it has a point. I promise. I was at a low that made me question my own interactions with everyone. That something had to be wrong with me for my family to not accept me. But there I was opening up and being vulnerable, then later on with my partner. Everything poured out of me. Then in my dreams that night I still can’t shake it.

In my dream I was above myself and swirling around me were so many energies and frequencies. They were all negative and the one that stuck out a lot was that I believed I was white trash. WHAT?? Yea I know. I grew up poor, in a trailer, being made fun of, with a drunk for a father and a mentally ill mother. I guess in my core I felt like I would only ever be white trash. I was so brainwashed to believe I couldn’t do better or be better then my parents that even when I was successful I didn’t see it. I just saw a poor girl living in squander. Crazy right?

The next day I felt different. I felt happy. I felt acceptance for things. I felt free. I no longer believed I was white trash, and didn’t even know I felt that way about myself. I can smile and feel it and I watched a stand up and was laughing so hard. Usually its hard for me to laugh. Like no bitch I’m not amused. But I was laughing and it felt wonderful. The reason I tell you the back story is because when you feel like you can’t smile and you can’t laugh then there is something inside your very core that is caging you. That monkey on your back is holding you back from living and being free to do whatever it is you want to do. For 2 years I held back, from people at my job. From my friends. From myself. I was in constant pain everyday and just coasting by. So I want you to ask yourself what holds you back from smiling and laughing. What piece of your soul is trapped and unable to feel that joy?

My sister coming down was the best thing for me because I could confront all the things I have felt towards her. I got to say my truth and see the truth. I got to pop the pink bubble of expectation and realize I get to chose who is in my life. I get to smile again and have fun. So I ask you to confront whatever holds you back. Even if it means they walk away, it is for the best. They may come back, or they may not. You don’t have control over that. But when you finally stand up for you, that is when you take your control back. And having those reigns, man let me tell you it feels amazing. I saw into myself and my own flaws, I realized my own part in everything, and it opened me up to smile and laugh. Even now I am smiling and actually feeling it. What? Such an amazing feeling.

Do some self reflecting. Do you feel like you are constantly coasting by through life? Like you are going through the motions instead of living in the moments? I get it, I was just there. But something inside of you is dying to come out. It wants to live in the moment and smile, it wants to be full of joy and peace. It’s up to you to find out what it is. Watch for what arises around people. Do you get angry or judgmental? Do you feel like you don’t belong. Listen to your words that keep repeating back to you, because those were my words for so long. I didn’t know why I felt that way. I didn’t even realize those words were my cage holding me back from smiling. I hope this helps you. I hope that this story gives you some kind of hope for yourself if you need it. Because I know how it feels to go through life in pain. I finally approached mine, and now I am smiling. I am off to work on my project now. I hope you start finding your smile and feeling it. Because to feel joy behind a smile is like feeling the suns kiss on your cheeks.