The Act of listening
“The biggest communication problem is that we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.” Everyone does it but does it make it right? No. Listening is an art that many tend not to use with the full intention to hear what the other person is saying. It’s exciting to have a conversation where you are drawn into the other speaker and you can’t wait to share your side, but that is not what conversations should be about. I do it myself. So what can we do then to improve our listening skills?
When having a conversation with someone make sure to look at the person and keep eye contact. Engage them with body language and openness. When you are looking at your phone, around the room, everywhere else it shows the person that you are either half listening or not engaged in what they are saying. If someone is shy or not making eye contact then continue to keep looking their way. It shows that you are interested and support them even if they are nervous or have a hard time with eye contact. When listening to someone be attentive, but relaxed. You don’t have to give them psycho stare eyes the entire time, be normal but show that you are making them the priority. When being attentive don’t drift off into your own thoughts or distractions, just remain present with them.
The biggest thing we tend to do is have a closed mind when someone is talking about things. We believe one opinion and everyone else who goes against that is wrong. This is the time to open your mind and listen without judgement. As soon as you indulge in judgement then you are no longer going to be an effective listener for someone. Plus people can pick up on your energy if they are feeling judged or not listened to, so don’t jump to conclusions. When someone else is speaking I want you to listen to their actual words and picture what they are saying. If you drift off or get bored then refocus on what that person is saying. This isn’t about you when listening, it’s about hearing the other person.
When someone is in the middle of saying something don’t interrupt them. It sends a variety of messages to the other person. Some of which are that I am more important than you are, I don’t really care what you are saying because what I have to say on the matter is more interesting, accurate or relevant. This isn’t a conversation we are competing in an intelligence debate and I’m going to win. These are a few of the things that come across when you interrupt someone else. No wonder everyone has self esteem issues, yeesh. We all talk at different rates, think quicker or slower than others, some people need more time to process things while others need less time. So when you are listening to someone hear the pace they speak at, if they take pauses in between thoughts or not, it’s up to you to relax and slow down or speed up with them.
Advice is never really helpful, as much as we want to give it. You can bring a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. Until someone knows something then no matter how much you tell them they won’t actually here it or listen. Most people need a sound board not a solution specialist. If you really want to give some solutions to the problem or questions then wait till they are done speaking and ask them, Would you like to hear my ideas?” This allows them to chose and they feel heard. While listening to someone if you don’t understand what the person is telling you don’t just interrupt and shame them, maybe they are trying to sort it out loud and the jumble doesn’t make sense to them yet either. Wait until they are done and ask about it. I didn’t quite understand what you were saying here can you rephrase it will tell them 1. You were listening, and 2. Help you to understand them better.
Empathy is a really important quality to have. It helps you to be able to empathize with what someone is telling you. By putting yourself in someone else’s shoes it makes you a more effective listener. A lot of people don’t try to understand what someone is going through, just sharing their own similar journey and that only downplays what the speaker is saying. It says well you went through that, guess what I went through this, this is worst. It’s a one ups mans hip of who had it worst or better. That not only makes people not want to talk to you but you become calloused and incapable of humanity and compassion.
Listening takes patience and time to learn. It’s about taking time to hear someone else and acknowledge them regularly during the conversation. You can do this by simply reflecting what someone is telling you, or nod and expressions like mhmm, or okay. Listen to what isn’t being said by tone of their voice, facial expressions, mannerisms. Words only convey a fraction of the actual message. Humans use body mechanics, micro facial mannerisms, tone of voice, words, speed of voice, in order to convey what it is they are saying. The best thing you can do is just take the time to hear them, watch them, look at them, and then actively listen to what they are saying. Repeat what they are saying to you so you can make for certain that is what they are saying. This will make them feel heard and valued.
Listening is truly a skill many of us don’t take the time to hone in on. We would rather be in the same head space where we are the gods of our own world and search for that connection with another. Well listening is how you connect. It’s how you can truly bond with someone else because otherwise you make it all about you all the time. And no one likes that, it’s something I am working on myself. I don’t always listen and am actively sharpening this skill. I want others to feel they have a sound board for me so that they can indeed come up with their own solutions because that only empowers us. By figuring it out ourselves that gives a sense of accomplishment, growth and insight into ourselves. So be a sound board for someone, it will teach you patience, compassion, love, and how to listen.
Today was a 9.