Waiting

Some days you are left waiting for things to happen. You can be as proactive as you want but it doesn’t matter because sometimes in order for things to happen you need to wait. Patience is something you practice at. It requires you to sit still and wait for something. This can be applied to not just waiting but having strength in a difficult situation to not lose your shit.

For me I have been waiting for my unemployment like so many others during this time. It has been over 6 weeks now and the process has been an utter purgatory. Now for some of you you may be like well why don’t you do loans and whatnot, well my friends you can’t claim both. It’s either one or the other, and the loans are not large enough for me to take. If I knew this was ending in 2 weeks sure I would take the loan, but I don’t know how long this lockdown will be continuing so I have to wait for unemployment. Anyways the wait has been an excruciatingly painful process. I was proactive and called 1000 times a day, and even getting through to someone 2 weeks ago still left me in a pending place. I looked into other options but like I said not knowing how long this will go on taking the loans seems silly. But what have I learned during this? A lot actually. I learned that things outside of you are out of your control. Sure you can use a like attracts like mindset, but still nothing is in your control. I learned how to use my voice and speak my truth even if conflict arises. I learned my next steps that I want to take so I never have to worry like this again. I learned all the things I don’t know, and then some. Waiting put things into perspective, not just waiting for unemployment but waiting for the world to start again.

This time of isolation has really been dark and wonderful. At my lowest I scrambled to find a will to carry on, and at my highest I found out just how amazing I am becoming. It’s been a rollercoaster during the wait, but I can feel my shift. How about you? Don’t judge how you used your time, who cares if you did double workouts or drew pictures, do you feel changed? Do you feel a shift in yourself that makes you truly see the light in you? The wait is about finding yourself in the progress. It’s about allowing yourself the space to grow and become better then you were. It’s about not seeing results right away but looking back over time you see the leaps and bounds. During this waiting period can you see the transformation in your life? Or are you to busy comparing to others “quarantine achievements.” Can you see how you aren’t alone, not really? That we are all going through this depression and anxiety? In the beginning I made it about me, and my feelings. Now I see how I am just a part of this huge collaboration of humanity and we all are feeling it. That’s progress during the wait. Progress is a change in perspective, it is when you no longer view things that way, but instead it’s more open and deliberate.

So during this waiting can you see your own progress? Even if you laid on the couch in pajamas 3 days in a row, can you see the shift in your psyche? How do you react to things when you have to wait? Do you get irritable and exasperated? Or are you calm about it? What can you do to just allow things to happen when they are suppose to, you can’t rush things. I hope you look at this time as a challenge to learn patience, to change the status quo. If you don’t then that’s fine, but are you okay staying the same and expecting different results?

Today I am at a 4 1/2. I need sunshine, plus my gut feels like there’s a bomb in it. I am just drained.